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Carpe Diem "Seize the Moment" by John Iwohara |
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July 1996
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Recently I have been having difficulty falling asleep. People tell me this infliction is called insomnia. I wonder how such a neat sounding word can be used to describe such a debilitating and heinous malady. When you become an insomniac, which isn't as nice a sounding word, you find yourself doing all sorts of crazy things just trying to fall asleep. You take hot baths, you drink warm milk, you start reading things you know you aren't going to like in the hopes that you will bore yourself to sleep, you begin to play computer games to entertain yourself while you wait to fall asleep (and find that playing these games only helps keep you awake), or you continue to do work into the wee hours of the morning. After all, there is so much to do, and so little time. When I was a lot younger I would think about all the different things I wanted to do with my life. When I began to think about how I was going to get around to doing all of these things I also began to think about how much time is "wasted" with such things as hygiene, eating, and sleeping. I still sometimes wonder how much a person can accomplish if they didn't have to sleep. If only we could seize the moment we usually "waste" during sleep. I suppose it's because I'm having difficulty sleeping again tonight, that I'm thinking about things like Carpe Diem, but as I continue to work on this article I find that my eyes are beginning to hurt, and that I am getting very tired. I worry about what kind of shape I'll be in for tomorrow, and the day after that, and the following day. Worrying like this, I think, is one of the reasons why I am probably having difficulty falling asleep. I guess if I have to characterize myself, one word I might use is "worry wart." I worry about such things like what to say during next Sunday's service. I worry about how well accepted what I say will be. I worry about how "true" to Jodo Shinshu my talks, my attitude, and my life is. I worry about how long I can "last" as a minister. I worry about whether I am being a good husband, or a good father to my son when I spend so much time at the temple or continue to do temple "things" even when I am at home. I worry about how I might become the reason for my son to not want to come to the temple because the temple is where he lost his dad. I worry about a lot of things. I worry about worrying. It is getting very late, and I'm getting very tired. Carpe Diem, seizing the moment, is a wonderful philosophy but I'm beginning to realize that there is too much pressure involved. I am trying to seize the moment, but it also feels like it's killing me right now. I need to go to sleep. Given how tired I feel right now, sleep is probably not a waste of time. Then again, this all night session has also not been a waste of time. As I sit here thinking about what I am doing, it has become clearer to me that Buddhism is less about seizing the moment, and more about appreciating the moment: this moment is a very good moment to have insomnia. This moment is also a very good moment to go to sleep. Before I turn the computer off, and before I go to sleep, I would like to share the words of Rennyo Shonin that just popped into mind with you.
In Gassho, Good night everyone. |